Falling Behind on My Writing

For the first time since I started this, I think I will write weekly instead. Or perhaps on an irregular basis. Nothing about these times is normal. This normalcy of daily entries has been disrupted for a while. I might as well just let my writing slide.

My guild in SINoALICE looks like it is about to break up. People are trying out Genshin Impact and the game is a hit. I’m trying it and I think it is definitely a hit but I wasn’t sure of the endgame.

Work has been a series of “soldier on”. There are tasks to complete, a boss to contend with, and papers to be written but I still work at my own pace. I’m not even sure who is expecting what to happen but I “soldier on”. I am senior enough to be an independent worker. I am just kind of not having it, when it seems I have more work than my colleague. The sentiment is unfair to her, but my annoyance is directed at my boss. I realise that I never got over him telling me, “What do you expect me to do?” last year. I expect him to lead, to be reasonable, to guide and nurture. I expect him to realise the irony of him asking me to speed meetings up when he spends four-fifths of the time talking and going round in circles. Am I expected to rein him in? I expect him to realise the irony in saying that employees want inspirational leadership when that is nothing he is giving.

Work has been a series of “soldier on”, and weaving a larger carpet for all things undesirable.

Oh, Monday, the Big Day

All the work culminated in an in-person meeting, spread across two different locations. We had to complete a strategy paper, and it was only in person where we could be efficient in our discussion and coming to some sort of a consensus.

I was the facilitator, and had much to learn. I didn’t think I was effective in teasing out the materials and points from the audience. As always, the time constraint made me feel harried. At some point, out of stress and annoyance, I muttered “I wanna die” under my breath and that may have been picked up by the microphone and transmitted to everyone’s headsets. If it did, people were polite enough not to tell me about it.

At some point, my boss messaged me to tell me to speed the proceedings up. It was with irony again, as he was the one contributing to much of the conversation, going needlessly in circles. But I take his comments in my stride, because I have a job to do, and to manage him is one of them.

At the end of the day, we reached a major milestone, coming to somewhat a consensus among the team members of management. I felt a weight lifted, even though it was not really lifted but only somewhat relieved. There was lot more work to piece the final product together and put it througb layers of clearance, but at least we resolved a seeming impasse within the organisation where everyone was giving their two cents, my boss included, but no one really wanted to commit to anything. I am highly grateful my boss’ boss was effective, and far more effective and useful than my boss.

I had to go for Chi Cha San Chen and a good round of dinner though I came to realise that maze soba was not really my thing.

Scythe and other games

Another day of the weekend, and another day of board games, albeit with different friends. Over lunch, I read about Abluxxen and decided it would be great to test it out with some friends. It was fun, but once we got the hang of it, it didn’t feel like a game that could last long. At best, it could fill the time in between.

But the true highlight of the day was Scythe. I had not played that in a while, and unpacking the components and setting up tired me. Explaining it to my friends tired them. I was not doing great this weekend on explaining board games. The first game was fine, but A was quickly disengaged when he played himself to a corner for the second game. I don’t know that I will introduce The Rise of Fenris expansion to them. That said, I do want to play the expansion and regularly with a regular group of friends. Well, one can only hope.

The weekend ended on pizza for dinner with A and D, and SINoALICE, but the latter game is somewhat in a flux as my guildmates are thinking of abandoning ship entirely for another game.

Board Games and Songs

I seeded the idea, and we found ourselves playing board games on Saturday.

I trotted out the very first board game I bought: The Princes of Florence. I realised that I was not very good at explaining some of the concepts of the game, even as my friends understood what was going on and we played a good round. Some of the terminology confused them because I had this notion of the game in my mind that did not translate well when I spoke of it. Nevertheless, my friends got the hang of the game after a while and spoke highly of it. I do hope to play it again with them some time.

We went on to Blokus next and my min-max mind went into overdrive. I won, and it was a combination of shrewdness and luck that saw me pull ahead of the others. I guess I am able to excel at some spatial and calculation games.

That said, I still cannot grasp the role of Master Builder and the strategy to win Castles of Mad King Ludwig. It eludes me, the strategy to order rooms around and what to aim for.

Interspersed between our board game sessions, we caught Sing On! on Netflix: a new reality singing competition. It used a vocal analyser as the “judge” of how close the contestant came to the original singer’s pitch. It felt like a gimmick but the show was still entertaining in providing contestants for home viewers to comment on and pick apart. I am not sure it is a good show by any means, but it entertained us in between kueh, fried chicken and board games.

I wonder whether board games with these friends would be a regular or monthly feature.

What is my worth?

Friday. The end of a week. “TGIF”, people say, but Friday was an annoying one. No doubt it was my boss who was antagonistic again. And he doesn’t even know it. He is haughty, takes excessive pride in his actions, and just annoying.

I was looking for a job online again, because it felt like the right thing to do. Actually, I was on a virtual learning journey, listening to another organisation extol their virtues when it dawned upon me to look for that greener patch. An ex-colleague gave me sound advice about joining his organisation, on the better boss to apply to and the job I was not suited for. But still, all thought and talk, no action. I delay myself.

In the afternoon, I was in another virtual meeting and found myself wondering the reason for my presence. What had I signed up for, and was I contributing as significantly as the other members of my unit, in the capacity I should? I would like to think I was, but self-doubt comes over me every now and then. This is how one is worn down, to think less and less about his work, and to just do as he is told.

I had thoughts similar at another virtual meeting later in the evening, when my colleagues contributed plenty to the affair, while I affirmed their actions and gave suggestions. I tell myself I had laid the prep work the meetings before and they could continue today’s work because of my groundwork, but if it felt like some consolation, then sometimes I feel it is.

The week could not end sooner, and a weekend of board games await!

This week could not end sooner

It was a simple question that we needed advice on. My boss turned the question around and expanded the scope of it in ways we never thought possible. We never really got our answer, but he threw so much more questions back at us. Something got into him, some fantastical idea, and my two colleagues and I were flabbergasted. This is a bad week with him.

Ironically, that’s what the organisation purports to want to give their staff, but I am only let down by my boss instead of being inspired. There should be conversations to help him change but inspired to do so, I am not.

After hours, I stayed back to work on this extra-curricular assignment with some colleagues, learning Tableau and exploring its powers. That was a good one and I wished more of my work was like that. But all things nice turn to ash if handled for too long, and I suppose this would be no surprise.

Again, I wondered what to have for dinner, having no desire and the lack of want for any taste in my mouth. In the end, I lingered in front of the bak kut teh stall, only to find myself settling for soup the third night in a row. I think I craved something less oily or something light, and deluded myself into thinking anything but the food I steamed at home during “circuit breaker” could come close. Maybe I desired to cook, but found no drive nor impetus within me to do so.

Lovecraft Country

I ended work with no desire for taste. That got me worried a bit. Was I changing physiologically for the worse? I settled for soup for dinner, having circled the food centre a bit and uncertain what I wanted. I think it’s the same for my life, and my future.

I’ve been reading Lovecraft Country by Matt Ruff, for a while now. I’m not quite certain whether I heard of the HBO series first or read about the book first. It is likely the former’s publicity that put me in the orbit of the book. It is certainly engaging but the ending left me wishing for more. After seven spell-binding stories, and a setup for an explosive finale, it seemingly ended too good or easy. I will probably never get into the series, but the book is definitely a recommend.

I am a sucker for pain

Vindication is when your boss’ boss tells your boss things you tried to advise your boss.

There was a certain glee in hearing my boss defend his flimsy ideas which he talked to at us, and made us endured minutes of unnecessary non-convincing convincing. I could have engaged him, because I was listening to him, unlike him, but he was not listening to us, and I cannot make a magic like that happen. Some mules be too subborn to listen. I look back at my career and wonder why I left all those good bosses I had and stick with this current terrible one. It makes no sense.

I am a sucker for pain.

Took the afternoon off, becase Mondays are just…

Sunday, Sunday, Monday. Wow, time flies. I have not touched Legends of Runeterra since the weekly reset. Perhaps this is me slowly getting off the game, or abruptly. It feels abruptly. My concentration be on SINoALICE at the moment, and perhaps one game at a time is just enough.

Work was a good one, because I took the afternoon off to make a new pair of spectacles and catch the finale of the movie adaptation of the Heaven’s Feel scenario of Fate/Stay Night after that. I never wanted to catch a movie in the cinema till the mask restriction was lifted, but I decided to make an exception for this because it was a grand finale to a series I had been following. It was easy to get around the rule of wearing masks because all I had to do was sustain the act of munching popcorn throughout the movie, but I decided to end my popcorn-munching early and put my mask on. Something about rules tickle me, and I follow them in a uncomfortably comfortable manner.

The plot was fine, the scoring was excellent, and I wished I had re-watched the first two movies just before this, because the action jumped right into where the second movie ended off.

Sunday Emptiness

“Nothing” would be how I describe the Sunday just past. I queued for pastry near my place for breakfast, worked a bit, slept a lot, played some games.

I probably mentioned this before, but I guess I can be a hermit.

Instead of playing games on my computer, I have taken to min-maxing my setup on SINoALICE. I didn’t even realise Hades launched on Steam, nor have I been playing Legends of Runeterra since the weekly reset. Okay, I’m a bit burned out on the latter, and slightly disillusioned with the grind and meta. I think I prefer the mobile not because it is mobile, but for the social aspect of it where nightly, a few of us come together to chat over Discord while we play.

I miss the social part of life but as a hermit, I don’t know how to reach out and get help. Or, I don’t want to reach out to get help and am instead content to be passively sitting behind the screen, interacting with messages and voices over Discord.

And a Sunday ends.