Lovecraft Country

I ended work with no desire for taste. That got me worried a bit. Was I changing physiologically for the worse? I settled for soup for dinner, having circled the food centre a bit and uncertain what I wanted. I think it’s the same for my life, and my future.

I’ve been reading Lovecraft Country by Matt Ruff, for a while now. I’m not quite certain whether I heard of the HBO series first or read about the book first. It is likely the former’s publicity that put me in the orbit of the book. It is certainly engaging but the ending left me wishing for more. After seven spell-binding stories, and a setup for an explosive finale, it seemingly ended too good or easy. I will probably never get into the series, but the book is definitely a recommend.

Massage

Recently, there’s been an absence of tourists and people about in general, and so I give more thought to my surroundings and the places I pass by. I’ve never gone for a massage in my life before this. Recently, I considered getting one partly because I have been passing this massage parlour for a while now.

To back up a bit, most Singaporeans go overseas for their fix. It’s much cheaper overseas for an hour of massage. I have a friend who once said he could go for a series of massage for the whole day overseas, and that would probably amount to one session in Singapore. I have no benchmark. I don’t know how much it costs in Singapore or overseas. I never saw the need to have benchmarks because it never crossed my mind to get one.

I think I must have been bored out of my wits in terms of gaining new experience or that I was really stressed to actually get my maiden massage at a local parlour.

I can’t say I felt more de-stressed after the experience, but I can see why it is a form of relaxation: to have someone pamper you and soothe your aching muscles. I am not sure I will go for a second round now that I have experienced it. Time to move on to something else new, I suppose.

What happened? Were all the weekdays the one and same?

Writer’s note: What is a blog of daily events if it does not post events daily?

It was Wednesday, and I did not ask my colleague whether we would be doing sports together. I thought he might ask me, but we remained silent on the matter. It did not matter to me.

A Wednesday came, and a Wednesday passed. I did not write of this day’s events till much later, like almost a week. Nothing much happened then, I suppose.

You Need to Calm Down

The one time I decide to leave work slightly earlier, my boss decided to panic and message me in haste, causing his deputy to do the same because we all serve to alleviate his panic. The source, you ask? I sent an e-mail in the morning to the bosses, and his boss only saw it in the evening because she is a naturally busy person. She asked him a question or two, I presume, tying him in knots, and he burst forth to spray his worry everywhere, likely unaware of himself. I’m not going to be the guy to ask him to calm down, and I do not envy his deputy’s job to have to do so.

The situation was defused eventually, though clearly with a bit of gripe on my end.

On the pretext of checking new phone models, I followed a colleague to pick up his phone that was sent for repair. I didn’t have any aim, really, and I think I was just glad for some company, and to hang around someone. These days, I find myself increasingly isolated, and I’m no parent or boyfriend so that weighs more so on me, somehow.

Reciprocation | Silence

In the end, I stayed silent, and did not ask my colleague about going for a Wednesday exercise over web conference facilities. Perhaps I was lazy, perhaps I was reticent. I milled about, and tried to embark on several pieces of work, never really accomplishing or making significant headway in any. It’s midweek blues, and in spite of being a short week.

I joined Discord, again, and like I mentioned before, it felt good to be part of some group activity that was the guild I joined in SINoALICE. Perhaps I crave company in the form of new people to meet. Perhaps that is why I downloaded a bunch of dating apps of sorts to my phone. Yet, I am reticent, or unwilling to make the first move, and so the apps stayed silent despite some seemingly good matches offered. Why did I even download those apps in the first place? For the same matter, I joined Discord, but am a mere silent listener, observer.

What kind of company am I if I do not reciprocate?

Those Eyes

Wednesday came, and there was no sport. We said we would, but I decided I was not going to be the pursuing one, and we did not.

An e-mail came in on Monday, and some of us spent Tuesday thinking of how to respond to that e-mail when the group formally convened on Wednesday. It was a mix of scenarios and fears, drawer responses and backup plans. I realised the flaw in our design was not to have asked our sponsor what she wanted, before we embarked on the project, and now we panic. Hindsight is indeed 20/20.

I decided against the kindness of my housemates, and bought lunch on my own. Sometimes, a man has to learn to feed himself when he is hungry, rather than wait for food. Sometimes, I cannot help but look at the dogs at home with a tinge of pity. They have no means to forage for their food, and count on the kindness of us humans who have domesticated them. My housemates own them, but every time they feast their eyes on me when I am with food, I am overcome with a bit of guilt, and compulsion to feed them.

I never want to own a pet. Or rather, I never want a pet to be owned by me.

Pre-Trip Rituals

A Wednesday went by without a run. I spent much of the time trying to clear as much work as possible before my work trip on Thursday. Some efforts will always fall short. But we try our best.

Home to work, then to McDonald’s at Kovan, before heading home. That day was simple, and I did a bit of laundry because post-trip laundry doesn’t have to mix with that from pre-trip. Play, I got much of after work too, as well as ironing, and of course, laundry.

These days, I find joy in casually popping to the pool for a short, and probably inconsequential swim. I tell myself it’s healthy, but I don’t really tire myself out. Hopefully frequency can make up for intensity.

At least I managed to swim

It was a hectic Wednesday, with no run, but I did manage to get a few laps in after work, so not all physical training is lost. I also got to meet Mr. Lim, and that was a good catch-up session.

Deadlines abound and replies plenty, I am poor in my use of time, and time has seemingly gotten the better of me. I have a few write-ups to churn, and complete them I didn’t. I also missed some timelines to submit documents to other colleagues, and yet there I was demanding information from others in a timely manner. Hypocrisy, and irony, go hand-in-hand.

I want to say I treat not others like how they treat me, but it’s just too trying to want to be the better one. Also, am I still the “better one” if others are oblivious to the impact they make?

F**k You

I’ve always wondered, what would make me missed a company run on Wednesday. As it turned out: a deadline that I had no way of meeting. Also, the running gang ended up playing frisbee. I would have liked that, I think. But I was at my chair, slow, unable to finish what I should have finished two days ago.

I don’t enjoy or relish invalidating the work of others. But I refuse to send an e-mail out by proxy. I’m no postman, and I refuse to be especially when I deem the messages I send, a reflection of my beliefs. So I toil away, reworking whatever I felt I had to do.

Everything, it seemed.

The approval e-mail draft I was sent to work on made no sense given the context of the current purchase. With a different type of procurement, a different approach had to be used. Would this be reasonable information for a layman to process? But we are no laymen so why is it I have to “dumb the yardstick down”?

The evaluation, passed through eyes and blessings given, made no sense should it be scrutinised. How did it pass unscathed? How did the originator think the evaluation to be of standard to pass watchful eyes? Was the assumption no eyes would be watchful and the circus was but a show?

Fuck you.

Don’t throw stones in a glasshouse, bemoaning your surroundings when you are just as fucking bad as that which you loathe. You don’t get to stand on a pedestal and make remarks that seemingly elevates your way of thought because you are on no fucking pedestal. You fucking deserve no pedestal.

I am incensed, enraged; I want to vent. But I am no saint, so why do I feel I have to be the saintly one?

Like a colleague reminded me today, that i shouldn’t keep it all in because the day I explode and end up in a mental hospital, all I’ll get in return is a fruit basket from my organisation.